


Fleshy Piss Machine

by Sweaters (Guhs)



Series: Pale Danvivor [9]
Category: Fallout 4
Genre: (Honestly though Papa Danse), Accidental Baby Acquisition, Attempt at Humor, Dad Sole, Danse doesn't know he's a machine yet but he knows an inappropriate insult when he hears it, Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Humor, He also doesn't know what a baby is honestly how do they stay alive they can't even shoot a damn gun, Issa Baby, Issa Mystery, M/M, Stay Tuned? ;), daddy nate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-07-09 22:17:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19895239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Guhs/pseuds/Sweaters
Summary: Danse and Nate find a baby after clearing a raider's den.





	Fleshy Piss Machine

A rubbery amalgamation of flesh, blood, and bone was held out at arm’s length. It looked clueless, but constantly on the edge of wailing.

“Nathan, what am I supposed to do with this -- _creature_?”

“You can start by not holding it out like an unstable pistol.” Nate dropped the raider’s leg with a fleshy _thunk._ “It’s a _baby_ , not a damn Mirelurk hatchling. Hold it clos-”

“I don’t want it.”

“You don’t want it?”

“No. Take it.” A sniffle, weak crying as Danse awkwardly thrust the baby in Nate’s direction. “Oh God- it’s making noise, Nathan! It’s going to attract _more_ of them!”

“What, more babies, or more raiders?”

“ _Whichever one is WORSE.”_

Nate couldn’t help the cackle that rose out of the pit of his throat as he watched The Mighty Paladin Danse be bested by a dewy-eyed infant. He shuffled his rifle well out of reach and came forward to grab the kid. “Alright, alright. Keep your pauldrons on, Paladin, I won’t let the big, bad baby call in _reinforcements_. Go fetch the last few raiders, we can light ‘em up when we head out.”

Even under the kit, Nate could see every one of Danse’s muscles go lax the minute the kid crossed the threshold into another person’s arms. He had never seen the man move so fast to collect some corpses.

“ _Shush, shush._ It’s alright. I won’t let the iron giant treat you like a sack of potatoes anymore. He’s a big, tactless brute, isn’t he?”

“I can still _hear you_ , soldier.”

“Good!” He grinned as he cradled the kid in his arms, poking its nose, making faces. God, he missed this. He was never a big baby person before Shaun was born, but after that, he was determined to be the BEST baby person to ever walk the Commonwealth. There would never be a baby-related issue that he couldn’t fix or at least not make worse.

“How are you comfortable with that… fleshy… piss machine?” asked Danse, a few meters away and very enthusiastically dragging corpses into a pile.

“I have a son, Danse. And even if I didn’t… it’s a baby. They literally can’t do anything to you until they get teeth.”

“What happens when it gets teeth?”

Nate gently covered the kid’s ears. “They gnaw through your fucking windpipe, Danse.”

“Wha-”

“I’m kidding. It doesn’t do anything, it just kind of hurts if they get ahold of your fingers. Which-” Nate wiggled his fingers to distract the infant, then poked at its lip to check its gums. “No risk of that here. Have you never interacted with a baby before?”

“Well- no. Pregnant women in the Brotherhood are usually discharged unless the child is removed, or reinstated after birth, providing it is no longer in their care. I have never had a reason to justify direct contact with an infant.”

“Wait… seriously? Never? You’ve at least seen one, surely?”

“Once, I think. Back in the Capital. A woman was trying to get into Rivet City with her newborn because they were starving.”

“Did they let her in?”

“Yes. But she jumped off the bridge about a month later. Nobody found their bodies.”

A pause as they looked at each other, both a little stunned by the turn. Nate shook his head, resuming the gentle rock of his arms.

“Well, it’s never too late to learn how to handle them. Leave the raiders and come here.”

“Nate, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Come on, Danse. Just do it.”

“I really think I’d rather just-”

“Get over here before I kick your ass, tin man.” Danse quickly obliged, albeit dripping with trepidation. “Okay. Get out of the power armor.”

“Why-”

“Kids don’t enjoy feeling like they’re being cradled by a pile of scraps. It’s just for a second, relax.” For a moment, nothing happened. Then slowly - dragging it out for as long as humanly possible, seemed like - Danse unsealed his armor and climbed back out of it. The black jumpsuit underneath wasn’t exactly perfect, but it was better. And at least now Nate didn’t feel like he was offering a child up as a sacrifice to some deity of steel.

“Okay, arms out.” Arms shot straight out. “No- I’m not cuffing you, dumbass.” A laugh. “Arms out like I’m about to _hand you something._ ” A slow turn. “Okay, I’m gonna start the exchange, just… yeah, head goes there, make sure you support - DANSE - okay, _don’t_ drop the baby, make sure you have the head. Got it?” - “ _Mmyep, mhm_.” - “Alright, now just… Carefully, carefully… You got it!”

There stood Paladin Danse, straight as an arrow - rigid as one, too - almost shakily cradling a literal infant in his arms. He looked like a goddamn sheep in the middle of a wolf’s den. Nate would laugh if he didn’t want to risk upsetting the kid again.

“Look at that, the kid’s not even crying anymore. See? They don’t always make noise if you treat them carefully.”

They stood there for a moment, Danse rigidly holding the baby, Nate offering physical support in case the tin man completely locked up and just _dropped it._

“Where do you think it came from?”

“Dunno. It must’ve belonged to the raiders, though. I don’t think they’d have any reason to really steal a baby; too loud, too much maintenance, doesn’t even make a good meal.” A surly look from Danse; Nate’s brand of humor didn’t always hit every mark.

“I think we should look for its parents. We can’t just leave it here, and we can’t carry it around, either.”

“Danse, I think that if this _is_ a stolen baby, its parents are long dead.”

Nate had been encouraging it at first, but now Danse lightly rocked the small baby in his arms on his own. The kid was extremely young, whatever the case. Nate wasn’t great at guessing, Danse even less so, but if either of them had to assume, it couldn’t have been more than maybe three months old. Four if they pushed it; there was no good metric for how malnourished apocalypse kids might develop.

As they stood there mentally deliberating, Nate could almost swear he saw Danse soften a little bit as he so vigilantly watched this infant for any sudden moves.

“What’s the plan, soldier?”

“Well…” Nate sighed, staring down at the kid. It looked healthy enough, no visible scarring from potential abuse or sickness, no major discoloration that might suggest a horrible disease or radiation poisoning. It seemed to breathe fine, eyes had no trouble locking on. Even sort of grabbed at things with decent enough fervor. Really any adoptive parent’s dream.

“Best bet might be to take it to Diamond City. I don’t think they have an orphanage there, but the Ms. Nanny at the school might be able to care for it until it finds a home.”

“I don’t think I like the idea of a robot in charge of a human life.”

“We had a Mister Handy back before the war; he was brilliant with Shaun. Or we could, y’know… Take it to Goodneighbor. See what they make of the kid.”

“ _No._ I’d sooner adopt the kid myself than hand it over to those addicts and criminals.”

“That might be our only option, then, Paladin.” Danse finally looked back up; he almost looked more bewildered than before.

“What?”

“You don’t want a Ms. Nanny taking care of the kid. You don’t want to give it to Goodneighbor. What else is left? We have the space and the manpower.”

“No- Nate, absolutely not. A fully-formed child is one thing, but a-an _infant_? It’s too dangerous. We’d be giving infiltrators a Free Admission ticket straight to blackmailing us.”

“I thought you didn’t like babies anyway.”

“I never said--” _Sigh. Danse_ rocked the baby with a little more stress, but the kid seemed none the wiser. “I don’t dislike… small children. They’re just a liability. They can’t defend themselves, and they rely on everyone else to live. It’s unsafe and unwise, and procreation in this world should be limited as it is.”

“All fair points. But be that as it may, we already have the child right here. It has nowhere to go and nobody else to turn to. Like you said; we can’t leave it. Can’t go to Diamond City. Can’t go to Goodneighbor. Where does that leave us?”

A long silence, punctuated by distant, echoing gunfire and a subsequent explosion. Silence again. Danse looked into that kid’s face like he was looking for the answer to the meaning of life. It was his thinking face; Danse always struggled with big decisions when it wasn’t directly related to battle or the welfare of his comrades. His rocking motion stuttered as the infant, with all its unsteady flailing movements, reached up to Danse’s face.

_YANK_.

The Paladin’s chin came down with more force than he could prepare for, and the baby showed no sign of relenting. “Nate- Nathan! It’s got- NATHAN, stop laughing and _help me,_ goddammit!”

“Rule-” _Cackle._ “Rule one of babies: don’t let them reach your beard. They’ll-” _Wheeze_. “They’ll rip it off if they can.” The whole altercation lasted for about thirty whole seconds before Nate finally pulled himself together enough to just - _scoop -_ get the kid’s fingers out of Danse’s facial hair. The Paladin probably could’ve done it himself, but then he probably would’ve splattered the kid on the cement because what are fine motor functions?

When all was said and done, Nate had taken the kid back as Danse rubbed the site of his assault. The kid seemed pretty pleased with itself, nothing but weak baby giggles and smiles.

“Don’t worry, I’ll keep you safe from the next attack. They only get stronger from here.”

“ _Very funny_.”

Nate sighed, something of genuine joy, the aftermath of mirth. He poked the kid’s stomach through the tattered garbage fire of a half-assed dress it had on, spawning another soft laugh. Maybe for a split second, things felt normal. He knew Danse was staring, and even more pertinently, he knew they had to figure out what to do, and quick; the center of Boston wasn’t exactly the best place to just hang out with an infant.

“I think we should take it back to Sanctuary. At least for now, until we can find somewhere safe, _someone_ safe to take care of it. I had a pre-war baby once, I’m probably the best candidate this side of the Atlantic for knowing what it needs to be healthy.”

It didn’t take long this time. “I think you’re right, soldier. As dangerous as it is, we’re the best chance it’s got. At least it’ll be well-protected, huh?” Unprompted, Danse reached out to brush the kid’s cheek. Nate’s soft smile turned into a smirk.

“Guess this puts a kink in your whole ‘a robot shouldn’t be in charge of a human life’ philosophy, eh, Danse?”

 _THUMP_ on the shoulder. “Inappropriate. Watch yourself, soldier.”

“No, I don’t think I will.” A grin, a lighter punch. “Come on. Let’s finish up with these raiders and head out; I’ll find something to make a sling. Should be home by nightfall.”

It wouldn’t be the first, nor the last time Nate found himself wondering ‘ _What did I just get myself into?_ ’, but it would certainly be the most interesting time. One could only imagine the breadth of reactions they’d receive upon rolling back up to Sanctuary with an entire human _infant_ at their tit.

_C’est la vie._

**Author's Note:**

> HAHAA two posts in one night? What is this, Christmas? No, a bored semi-child with a UTI who cannot sleep!
> 
> This one was kind of a wildcard and I have no idea where the thought came from, but as soon as the idea popped up, I knew I had to do it. It kind of makes an interesting case for kids down the line, y'know? People are popping them suckers out left and right because when you're poor in the apocalypse, not much else to do than the devil's tango, right? I actually really love the idea of Danse being literally clueless about how to take good care of an infant and exasperated but very excited Nate helping him through it while being in love with the idea of reliving fatherhood again. Because... let's be real, I don't see Nate giving the kid up unless he really, really needed to.
> 
> Papa Danse, ladies and gentlemen.
> 
> @HowRis: wow I've @'d you twice what am I your wife  
> aNyWaY, it's not puppies cause babies aren't all that cute but he-hey, it's somethin'!
> 
> Stay tuned if you want, I ain't ya mam, and I hope you enjoyed but even if you didn't, sucks but cool! Live your life and have your tastes, get yourself a fic writer you love to read. I'm just some shitty pseudo-adult who can barely make it to the toilet without pissing themselves these days ;)
> 
> Also yikes this chapter is Italics City mb folks just pretend you're reading a comic book


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